Cast: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Chris Riggi, Ken Jeong, Dave Foley, Diedrich Bader, Anneliese Van Der Pol, David DeLuise, Kelsey Ford Writers and Directors: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Selzer
Studio: Twentieth Century Fox
Technical: 3 Moral: 3 For 14 years and up
Being a lampoon of the vampire genre, Vampires Suck does not bother to have an original plot. Instead it recycles Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga whose impact on the general public is gauged by its 91 weeks of being in the New York Times Bestseller List since the book’s release in 2005.
Twentieth Century Fox summarizes the comedy as being “about contemporary teen angst and romance movies. Becca, an anxious non-vampire teen, is torn between two boys. Before she can choose, Becca must get around her controlling father, who embarrasses Becca by treating her like a child. Meanwhile, Becca’s friends contend with their own romantic issues—all of which collide at the prom.”
Many film critics tear Vampires Suck to pieces, saying it bears the characteristic crass humor of the same team that made Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans—directors and writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Selzer. But if taken as an independent unit, minus the track record of its creators and the accompanying bias against it, Vampires Suck bears a message that deserves to be heard no matter how crudely it is delivered.
Vampires Suck’s significance derives from its guts in putting a reality check on a fast growing vampire cult rekindled by Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga. The Twilight franchise has reaped phenomenal success worldwide, not only in ticket sales, but also in engaging viewers to regard it as a credible love story, intriguing and much like mythical romances where gods and mortals fall for each other. When female fans are getting polarized—when sisters, best friends, mothers and daughters fight over fictitious heroes (Team Edward or Team Jacob?)—it’s high time they were roused to the fact that their idols are simply figments of someone’s imagination. And what better way to do this than to expose the vampire movies to public ridicule?
The movie poster says it’s made for boyfriends unwilling to sit through another vampire movie. Vampires Suck certainly does a good job of lampooning Edward, Jacob and Bella, among other things. This is not to say the movie is a witty or stylish spoof, for many of its sight gags are cheap, flat, slapstick, violent, farcical, in bad taste, or downright unfunny, but it certainly succeeds in satirizing most of all the virtuous vampire, the exhibitionist werewolf, and the virginal victim of raging teen hormones.
Jacob’s clone (Chris Riggi) is exposed in all his hairy glory, complete with five sets of nipples and a yen for chasing household cats. No wonder—Jacob is actually a Chihuahua in werewolf’s clothing, so you see why he can’t ever run around without the pack, all shirtless like himself, flaunting their biceps and laundry board abs while dressed (down) like macho dancers in a gay bar!
On the other hand, Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), the virtuous vampire who refuses sex outside of marriage, shrieks when excited, powders his face in public, and sleeps with his hair in curlers. While he tries his damned best to out-Edward Edward in glowering like a flesh-starved vampire, he doesn’t look emaciated enough to convince anyone. And speaking of starvation, watch what this Edward does when the sex-starved Becca straddles him in bed. Could Edward the chaste lover be… gay?
Becca Crane (Jenn Proske), not only parodies the angst-ridden Bella Swan in her constant hair-tucking, lip-biting mannerisms but also in lines that suggest she has an IQ of 40. Of all three lead actors, Proske is funniest in spoofing her model heroine, not only because she actually can pass for Stewart’s sister in looks and physique, but also because she seems to have sincerely psyched herself into Bella Swan’s mindset.
Loyal fans who take the Twilight Saga seriously will not find Vampires Suck funny. Jealous boyfriends and people who have seen the movies but were not pleased with them may find some LOL moments in Vampires Suck’s ribbing. Those who have not seen the Twilight movies will not know what Vampires Suck is all about. Better watch Splice instead.
